The fighter in me

Just a month ago I had been bedridden with the worst nerve pain I've ever suffered. Literally immobile in pain and crying I had to dig deep inside my soul for the strength to not give up. I literally heard myself say "I don't want to live like this".  Saying this was the lowest time of my life is an understatement. I was hurting not only physically but emotionally and mentally. Depression had gotten the best of me but I knew there was still me fighting from deep within. I didn't know if I would ever walk again. I didn't know if I would ever stop feeling pain. 

This signifies the fighter in me. I look at what I went through and think I still got it. I have lived to see another day and I will not take it for granted. I just can't. Life is not forever. Health is not forever. Youth is not forever. And happy times are definitely not forever. Death, illness and sadness are inevitable. They will happen no matter what but when they do, will you be prepared for them? Will you have a fighter deep inside you to help you hold on during your worst of times?  I didn't know I had her deep in my subconscious. I could hear her. Faint but I could hear her saying don't give up. This too shall pass. 

The fact that I even heard her was enough to give me the faith to not give up. I told no one about my pain, only my girls who would see me. My struggle was mine and mine alone. I don't know why or how or if it would ever end, but I do know it taught me one thing and that is to stop wasting time! The good times are not the forever. They are only here momentary as it waves goodbye past you. The important thing is to NOT take them for granted, or enjoy them or be ungrateful. Grip your good moments with all your might and squeeze every last drop of juice they may have. 

Just don't let them get away so fast. I have been visited by depression before. Not often but enough times to know it's the worst time of illness in the world. Sadness hurts. Depression hurts. Missing my father hurt so bad I felt my life had been torn into pieces. I am currently in the process of putting my pieces back together. I don't know how long it will go on for. I don't know if I ever will be whole again.  

I wish I knew if there was an easy way out. I wish I knew if there was a shortcut. I wish I knew if I am even going to make it out of this. All I know is that voice inside me won't let me stop trying. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not a drug addict. Experiencing this much pain sober is incredibly hard. I made myself strong by holding my breath until I turned blue in the face. I am just catching my breath to find out that I'm a total mess. My life feels a total mess. I want to run away so far nobody finds me. I want to go home and never leave my mother's side. I want to feel her arms around me.  I want to hear my father's voice again. I feel guilt. I feel so much guilt. I feel so much sadness. 

This coming from a self proclaimed Happiologist, right?  How ironic. I am grateful for my family who I wouldn't be who I am without them. No mater what, I am humbled by their lives in mine. Their love gives me strength to go on, conquer and win.  I will continue to struggle and I will continue to fight and I will continue to win. There is no other way. I cannot give up. This is not an option. There is no other way for me. 


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