Rock Bottom

I've never felt this useless in my life. 

The day my legs gave up on me as I fell to the floor, crying with my face pressed on the mattress as my husband help pull me up, I knew I had hit rock bottom. There is no worse feeling than when your body doesn't respond to you anymore. 

I sobbed. At that very moment I became terrified I would not be able to walk again.  

How and why did this happen to me?  I had moved a couch earlier but nothing I haven't done a million times and trust me, I had done so much more work than that.  After the grueling month and a half of hard work before the party working on the studio, I had exhausted my body beyond limit. It turns out what I thought was incredibly debilitating work was actually kicking my butt into shape.  Every day I thought I would not live another day, then I would get up and do it all over again.  My body became stronger and stronger and then suddenly I stopped.  All that work had kept me preoccupied and not thinking, but it was when the work stopped that the sadness began. 

When all my work was done, my sedentary life for almost a month turned me into a noddle and depression set in thinking about my personal loss.  The day I began to feel sharp burning pain in my lower back, I thought I could sleep it off.  I didn't get better, the next day or the next, I just got worse and worse.  On the third day I felt terrified, sad, depressed, and in even more pain.  

There were times I wanted to call 911.  I knew an ambulance would be the only thing that would take me laying down, sitting, standing or God knows walking was nearly impossible.  I ate laying down and had to be very careful because if I accidentally chocked on a something, I knew there was hell to pay when I had to cough. I would squeal in pain when the occasional bone shattering sneeze came in. 

So here I am.  One week later and I can walk slowly and gently and even though I still get jolts of nerve pain and have to lay down to rest, I can walk and that makes me feel so incredible.  Hopeful and grateful every single day to God I continue to see improvement.  On day five I walked unassisted without a stick and that was a big deal.  I remember crying but this time because I felt hope.  What if I can beat this?  Whatever this is, I finally felt I had a chance.  
Going up stairs one week after injury
I made a promise to myself and God that if and when I recuperated, I would stop all his self pity, sadness and depression and get myself up again.  I know heartache and sadness hurts in more areas than just the heart, it hurts all over the body and in my case it had obliterated mine.  Depression consumed me in a way that it ravaged my nervous system, but it didn't break me.  All I needed was a simple hint of hope and I am grabbing on and not letting go.  

One day at a time.  This is how I live now.  One day at a time, hopeful and dreaming the day I can get back up and whip my body back into shape and not take myself for granted anymore.  A little bit of self love and a whole lot of gratefulness is all I need in my heart to keep moving forward. 


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