My Life changed forever

I have been unable to speak of this.  I never thought I would.  I am writing from the future and trust me, things don't get any better.  The pain continues, the heartache never leaves.  I don't know if I will ever be the same person again.  I have been changed deep within from the roots and I wish I could say things get better, but they don't.  It's been almost four months and nothing is easier.  Nothing.

Desperation sets in and stays.  Depression creeps in, pain, fear and sadness makes their way into my daily life now and again.  I was back home recently and I cried on his bed.  I cried on his couch.  I cried by his truck.  I cried eating his favorite food.  I cried when I felt his presence.  Is there anything else I could do? All I can do is cry. If I could turn back time.  If I could hear his voice again.  If I could... If I could, I would do so many things differently if I had the chance.

It's been so difficult for me to overcome this.  I don't think I ever will.  Losing my father has changed my life forever.  I know the sorrow and the pain have changed me, but I don't know in how many other ways yet.  He was such an important part of my life that I miss him constantly.  I just don't know how to move on from this.

My life will never be the same.  I know this.  I will always be broken.  I will never feel complete again.  I know this too.  The only thing that keeps me going is that fact that I know I did everything I could to be with him when he needed me the most.  Nothing was more important to me then or now.  I was strong and I became fierce.  I became the strong woman he raised me to be.  Until his very last day, he knew how much he meant to me because I was there.  My actions spoke louder than words and no matter what anyone says, I will believe this till my last day on this earth.  I loved him and I proved it by holding his hand.  I proved it by praying by his side.  I proved it by leaving everything behind for him.  God, if I could get one more chance to hold his hand again.  If only.

Saying I love you is not enough.  If you are blessed to have your father in your life, embrace him and never let go.  It's a sad life when your father is gone and you won't get another chance.  My only consolation is that I held his hand until his very last day.  I will see you again one day padre, but for now I will continue to miss and think about you every single day.  I love you papi.